found in a dumpster outside the Cousin’s Subs on Oakland Ave, Milwaukee, Wis.
-Tues’d
Woke. Kissed my wife on th’ mouth. Her body was still cold and she was still in a’sleep. M’haps call doc Jensen? It’s best I ne’er bother a man. Wife’ll recover, m’haps. M’haps not. Best t’ne’er bother m’mind. Cows need a’milking.
-Thurs’d
Three ah’me cows hap’n to n’fight with’n each selves. “Quit ye’ fight!” I yelp’d. Cows ne’er list’n. Lest ye draw blood, the g’book said. M’hm.
-Fri’d
A wing’d creature ate’d on m’wife’s sleep crust ‘neath her eye lids. I wish’d to be full o’care with the swat’d on th’ creature, but I fell’d o’her face. A heard a crack’d in her neck but she ne’er stirr’d.
-Sun’d
Sabbath.
-Mon’d
I awoke to my wife a’turn’d blue and a’turn’d green. Her mout’ was a’gape with many a wing’d creature and crawl’d critters inside. I went to call’d the good doc Jensen but m’phone wasn’t a work’d. Better write a letter to the good doc Jensen inst’d. I’ll get started in the morrow.
One must never lynch. It’s unbecoming and shows a general rot in moral character. But where does that leave the wonderfully inventive knot-cum-loop known by layman’s terms as a Noose? You don’t suggest we do away with the Noose altogether, now do you? Well, what shall we do then?
I was combing through my various Israeli and Jewish RSS feeds (I have three dozen feeds intermingling in my Google The Reader) when I stumbled upon the following headline in the Israeli National News:
Make sure your resume is in HD. So says CNN.com. So, enough dallying about. It’s time you procured some sort of expensive video editing software that can handle HD, such as this Avid Media Composer Nitris DX System (ebay.com, $21,188.00). You do have an HD camera, right? No?
Oh, dear. Well you might as well spring for the Red One 4k Digital (rule.com, $625/day rental).
Then you should probably hire a top-rate cinematographer to capture your resume. Academy Award-winning “camera guy” Anthony Dod Mantle should do (contact his agent, Sue Greenleaves at Independent Talent Group +44 207 636 6565, for a quote).
There you go. Then you’ll just need an editor and some sort of film distributor and you’re all set. You can figure out all the wrinkles once you raise funding.
Annnnd now your resume is ready to be sent off to prospective employers. Congratulations!
When online, people say one thing and mean something else. For example, when they write “LOL” they don’t actually mean they are “laughing out loud.” They mean “That Is Mildly Amusing, If At All” or “TIMAIAA.”
You may already know this, though. Euphemisms on the Internet, as a concept, is not new. But THESE euphemisms, on the Internet, are.
Smart means fat.
Active means indelibly fat.
Thoughtful means fat with five or more pets.
I don’t know how to rap means I love to rap.
I like having a good time means don’t mind the meth.
