found in a dumpster outside the Cousin’s Subs on Oakland Ave, Milwaukee, Wis.

-Tues’d

Woke. Kissed my wife on th’ mouth. Her body was still cold and she was still in a’sleep. M’haps call doc Jensen? It’s best I ne’er bother a man. Wife’ll recover, m’haps. M’haps not. Best t’ne’er bother m’mind. Cows need a’milking.

-Thurs’d

Three ah’me cows hap’n to n’fight with’n each selves. “Quit ye’ fight!” I yelp’d. Cows ne’er list’n. Lest ye draw blood, the g’book said. M’hm.

-Fri’d

A wing’d creature ate’d on m’wife’s sleep crust ‘neath her eye lids. I wish’d to be full o’care with the swat’d on th’ creature, but I fell’d o’her face. A heard a crack’d in her neck but she ne’er stirr’d.

-Sun’d

Sabbath.

-Mon’d

I awoke to my wife a’turn’d blue and a’turn’d green. Her mout’ was a’gape with many a wing’d creature and crawl’d critters inside. I went to call’d the good doc Jensen but m’phone wasn’t a work’d. Better write a letter to the good doc Jensen inst’d. I’ll get started in the morrow.

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Articles & Essays

1. Detroit

2. Ann Arbor

3. Kalamazoo

4. Flint

5. Grand Rapids

6. Dearborn

7. Warren

8. Lansing

9. Easting Lansing

10. Outside Detroit

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Articles & Essays detroit, lists, nigeria, terrorists

One must never lynch. It’s unbecoming and shows a general rot in moral character. But where does that leave the wonderfully inventive knot-cum-loop known by layman’s terms as a Noose? You don’t suggest we do away with the Noose altogether, now do you? Well, what shall we do then?

• Tiny cow lasso.
• Street skiing tether.
• Ironic hipster necklace.
• Handcuffs for Stretch Armstrong©.
• Neck hammock.
• Conversation piece.
• Halloween decoration (North).
• Decoration (South).

-Smart Means Fat

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Articles & Essays listicle, noose

When online, people say one thing and mean something else. For example, when they write “LOL” they don’t actually mean they are “laughing out loud.” They mean “That Is Mildly Amusing, If At All” or “TIMAIAA.”

You may already know this, though. Euphemisms on the Internet, as a concept, is not new. But THESE euphemisms, on the Internet, are.

• Smart means fat.
• Active means indelibly fat.
• Thoughtful means fat with five or more pets.
• I don’t know how to rap means I love to rap.
• I like having a good time means don’t mind the meth.
• I love reading means i love harry potter
• A bit ticklish means sex freak.
• Total slut means virgin.
• Virgin means total sex freak.
• Cat lover means cat lover.
• I’m a writer means I’m unemployed.
• I’m a doctor means I’m a dentist.
• I’m a nurse means I’m an orderly.
• I’m an orderly means got any meth?
• Dabbling means overdoing it.
• Unresolved issues means molested.
• Molested means dad got boners when he hugged me.
• Clean means gay.
• He’s funny means he’s bald.
• Soldier means hero.
• Mentioning soldiers means pandering.
• In love means he beats me.
• Jewish means inadequate lover.
• Italian means adequate lover.
• Greek means adequate mustache.
• Mexican means inadequate mustache.
• Fat means honest.

-Smart Means Fat

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Articles & Essays listicle, new internet euphamisms